I know. You’re thinkin, where else could this possibly go? What is this crazy, fuckin, bitch going on about this time? What the fuck did she just say??
Hold on. Lemme, just, stop laughing, first. Unfortunately, it’s, still, all, too true.
As everyone from my little corner of the world knows firsthand, we experienced a hurricane a few nights ago. It was only supposed to be a category 1, but, still, it managed to split one of the trees in my front yard forcefully, and took out a light pole on the opposite side of my fence at about 9:30p.m. that evening.
I recall wakin up, so, fuckin, hot. I have most of the windows in my house nailed shut, so, there was no chance of much of a breeze through my home without the help of the air conditioning. I slumbered onto the porch and out into the road with my small Chihuahua to check out the damage. Just as any good Floridian knows how to do.
The tattered limb lay, just above, the lip of the fence, instead, landing squarely in the center of my street. But, thankfully, just passed my home. Everyone else, however, were almost, completely, blocked off from theirs. Eek!
I called my daughter’s mother, my bestest of girlfriends. Within the hour, she arrived at my house with two of her sons in tow to help me clear out my fridge of all it’s cold inhabitants. We rushed back to their house, so, that she could head out to work.
About a week ago, my ex had a motorcycle accident and injured something in his shoulder, pretty, good. So, he’s been at home all week. I’d have to say, he, probably, wasn’t, completely, awake when I first got there. But, he sure got to movin, pretty, quickly once he realized that I had arrived.
He shuffled kids off to the left and off to the right, trying to get everything just to his satisfaction. Impossible. Within the very, first, ten minutes, my daughter had resigned herself to her room. He had, already, by that time, insulted her, quite, graciously and unfairly several times. After everything settled down, again, he called her back to us. We ended up spending the rest of the day sitting in front of the TV, watching Netflix, and last season’s, American Horror Story, with a few of the kids.
Hey! Don’t judge me! Just kidding! It was my daughter’s idea. She’s so much like her mother.
All in all, it ended up being a, pretty, fabulous day. I enjoyed everyone’s company, as always, and was filled with only love and enthusiasm when I, finally, left their home that evening.
However, upon arriving at my own, I realized my small pet had some new, very, large, black, friends hijacking on his back from my daughter’s, very large, dog, Buddy. Now, he needed to be thoroughly scrubbed clean. And, being that I, also, needed to wash up, we both hit the tub.
Ooh! No. No. No. I sat on the SIDE OF THE TUB, people! Jeesh! You freaks are so NASTY!
I doused us both in warm water from the sprayer, then, began scrubbing away at him with some flea shampoo. He didn’t like this very much. In fact, he doesn’t like bathes, altogether. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a choice. Those little black travelers had to go.
When he was rinsed and clean, and all bugs had cycled down the drain, it was my turn. Never once, did it occur to me that my dog, now, trembling and cold, would feel safest and warmest, just, under the shelter created by my legs, now, jutting out over the edge of the tub. Oh, come on! Should I have??
There I am, singin, loud as hell, to the music blaring from my speakers, warm water is flowing. I’m taking body wash onto a loofah and commenced to creating bubbles all over my prickly flesh. I shaved quickly, then finished up with the delightfully, citric-auromaed, pussy wash. The entire time, bubbles and suds, and, I suppose, dirt and grime, were, just, oozing down my baby’ back. Ooh.
You guessed it. It does get worse. I felt the need. So, then, I peed.
Oh, he must have been, oh,so, happy to feel that warm liquid, because he, suddenly, laid heavily into the back of my calf, jolting me to the realization of what had just occurred. I, ABSOLUTELY, COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING.
But, you wonder, I thought she said, “again”. Didn’t she say, she peed on her dog, AGAIN??
Aigh! You are right! And, I have an answer for you. I guess, I meant that figuratively. Truth is, it slipped out before I even realized I’d said it. So, it must have been meant to be. Or, perhaps…
A little foreshadowing of something to cum?? Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo. Poor Spaz.