Nasty Lil Boogers

Today was complete shit! I knew it from the moment I woke up. I passed my living room mirror, like I do everyday along the worn path to my coffee pot. I hadn’t quite understood it yet, but I knew something was off.

On my way back by, warm thermos in hand, I just stop, right there. Directly in the shadow at the center of, what used to be, an early morning reflection of my three living room windows. No brilliantly, warm rays of sunshine, like I’ve become accustomed to these past few months, joined me today. No sunlight piercing my rentinae, just so, as to leave a bright glare of ambiguity over anyone’s face I, just so happen, to meet today.

My dearest friends… It wouldn’t matter, anyway. You couldn’t see a fuckin thing out there in my yard this morning. NOTHING AT ALL! It was just, way too, fuckin dark.

And overcast. Today was, most certainly, an overcast day. Actually, with the thick forest canopy that drapes across the majority of my house and property, overcast seems to have become far more commonly referred in my house as… Just Plain Gross.

So, yes. Today was very, very, undercast. And dark. And, filled, wall to wall, with frigidly, chilled drops of percipication. You feelin me, now? That’s JUST PLAIN GROSS. Told Ya. Ugh.

My wearied, yet, oddly petrified, home sits, right, smack dab, in the middle of it all. It is surrounded on all sides by bushes and trees and flowering shrubs, aplenty. Quite beautiful and sirene, really… At times.

I know it must be a lot calmer around this place when everything is all blooming at once. Actually, cum to find out, I got jipped on that. (Big shocker there.) My residence will never find itself completely emmersed in the thick, blooming tapestry of nature, like I had originally pictured, so clearly, in my mind.

My landlord had planted this colorful seed of thought so very well while we were out at our lease signing dinner, way back in February. Oh, it bloomed, alright. It bloomed uncontrollably, and, all-too vividly, in that rich fertile soil that makes up my plot of rental land, ever since the day he covered it with earth.

But everything all open at once… Now, that was all made up. Dick, himself, sold me on that stupid garden idea. These plants and flowering bushes DO NOT, nor WILL THEY EVER, bloom simulataniously. That sirene and comforting vision I’d created of an old, silent house sitting quietly by, as thousands of flowers, whose petals, varied by the hundreds in shape and size, overflowed with such crayola-like brilliance, that, indeed… “I gotta wear shades.”

Of course, my fantasy, absolutely, DID NOT include the many, Many, MANY bugs that would, undoubtedly, find themselves hopelessly, and, utterly, helplessly attracted to the comfort of this paticular eco-system, created by my yard, home, and the living things all about ALL of the above. These creepy crawlers, or loud winged, pilots of antenna, tend to accumulate, quite naturally.

Indeed, it seems that areas allowed to thrive, germinate, pollinate, and flourish with absolute abandon, are far more likely, than not, to be completely overrun… Sometimes, EVEN, ravished or demolished by some greedy group of painful, biting, stinging, itching, burning, tiny, little… creatures. They lust for the intoxicating nectar of our rich, thick, red blood cells, often losing the very life they lead, in the fruitless persuit of it’s thick, irony, flavor.

Hey. Maybe they just enjoy a good party. Who DOESN’T enjoy a good party? And, no party is a party AT ALL, without inviting over a coupld hundred thousand family, friends, and fuck buddies. All the while, my greenery is getting loose and freaky. It’s most convincing role, by far, was the primary one of selfless host to the hoard of annoying insects that just moved into my home without my permission. Literally, just now, with all of this rain.

Okay, so my yard might, quite possibly, be made up of some of the richest, heartiest, most-fertile soil available to anyone on this spinning blue rock that we, lovingly, refer to as, “our home.” This… dirt… It nourishes EVERY plant so completely from within, that, it seems to be actually overriding nature’s most common laws of attraction and need. I didn’t even know that was possible.

Perhaps, we’ve become so accustomed to seeing nature act, ALWAYS, just so… NATURALLY, within this very delicate framework of laboring insects and photosynthesizing plants. Changing ANYTHING at all about this very simple and common, yet, totally complex, system of life could, and possibly, would, bring about great chaotic happenings, until, utter tragedy is the only possible outcome. GREAT TRAGEDY of MAMMOTH PROPORTIONS.

I know you are reaching so far out, just barely grazing the inner flesh of my palm with one lone fingernail. But, it’s not enough, is it? You gotta know… There’s NO OTHER WAY!

“Laney, just what the fuck are you talking about? Where’d the fuckin bugs all go??”

Exactly. You do understand. You do. Let me help you here, just a bit.

Simply put… “I killed me some goddamed spiders today, friends.” Spiders, roaches, flies… you name it. If it’s small and disgusting and tends to frequent old houses, I fuckin streamed poison down it’s gullet. I laid it out with the heavy hand of my hammer. (Now, that one hole… Now, that DOES have to be explained. Eventually…) I dissected it limb from limb, until it’s species was completely unknown due to lack of enough pertinent information. I FUCKING DID THE DAMN THANG, PEEPS!

WAIT. Just WHAT THE FUCK did you think I was talking about? Oh, no! You so NASTY! LOL.

Look, it was absolutely the highlight of my day. If you think that I could ever even presume to leave something so very fuckin important out of my blog… Think again, pests. This exterminator thinks, perhaps, she actually DESERVES a smoke.

My only wish now, would be for more time. Extended hours in which I could complain just a little. Just call me Goldilocks, and witness me improperly using all of your chairs and lounging furniture for my own sadistic benefit. Just me, sitting here, going on and on and on about my problems. You, there, listening as intently as possible (without me realizing you are tweeting on the other side of your thigh), making sure to nod in all of the appropriate places.

But, I ain’t got time for that shit! I’ve got only a limited amount of wakeful hours to complete every task. There are new friends to be met, fresh orgasms to experience, and far too many delicious memories in need of branding directly into the soft, pink flesh of delicate skull. There’s just NO TIME!

I’ve found that the easiest way for me to not look down is, simply put, to JUST LOOK STRAIGHT UP. It’s so difficult to get down too far when your stuck way up there in the clouds. And, now, that you truly see what I’ve been talking about this entire time…

Oh, please, Won’t you just step on it real quick?? Ahhh! Excellent. Sorry. I’ve been staring that widow down so long, I was gonna have to name the bitch. The standoff, alone, was well worth a medal. (Of smaller proportions, of course, so as to fit that tiny little insect chest of her’s. And… Well, hell. She actually looks much better now. I took off, at least, a third of her azz with one foul swish of my broom. No thanks needed. Just being a good friend.

Oooh. Ok. I’ve DEFINITELY got to go get that tissue now. I think I just found her azz…


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