What year is it???

I know you’re out there. Yeah… you. You’ve been stalking my page so long, you hear my words in your sleep. You think you understand me, because I tell you everything.

But, unlike some of my readers, you don’t truly grasp what I’m saying. When I rant and rave and I’m just blowing off some steam, you feel incensed and personally attacked!

I don’t know why you think I’m talking about you. 2017 is a whole new year, and I’m leaving everything negative behind. I have my own flaws to deal with, and no time to help you with yours.

Oh, I mean you no harm. In fact, I wish you the best of luck. And I mean that sincerely. I don’t want bad things for you. Why would I want bad things for anyone? I would love it if everyone would succeed in everything they endeavored. Hey, I’m no hero, but I’d don a cape and capital letter S if it would help others achieve their goals.

Unfortunately, we live in a world of people in pain. Toes get stepped on, faces smacked. Everyone’s left injured and bruised with no physical scars from their trauma. It’s hard to find a friend when everyone looks like an enemy, and all enemies sound like your friends.

Oh, I’m not immune. At times, I definitely take things too quickly to heart. If I’m sick or tired or just feeling down, it’s easy to think no one cares. I’ve been hurt, too. The injuries I suffered at the hands of others still feel tender and fresh.

But you can’t keep doing this. It’s not right. I’m not defending myself. Your welcome to feel however you feel about me. I had to accept that already. But don’t continue to torture yourself by thinking that I’m trying to torture you. The only thing I don’t get off on is pain. And, I most certainly could never watch anyone else endure the same.

You didn’t like what I said. You called me a liar. It is what it is. No. IT WAS WHAT IT WAS. Just let It go. For you.

You see, I wasn’t there. Remember when you finally realized that I wasn’t who you thought I was? Remember how betrayed you felt when we parted? Are you not still feeling that every single time you read my thoughts? Why would you do that to yourself?

If you never believed anything I’ve said, know this to be true. 2016 was one of the worst years of my life. Several times I came close to losing it. Friends I had shared so much of myself with, took just about everything else I owned. They said things that wounded my soul. I truly didn’t think I could lose anything else or that I had anything else of value left to lose.

When I told you it was going to be a good year, it wasn’t just my hope. It’s my promise. And, it’s already fulfilling itself right now. 

The last few years have been terrible for me as I have overcome drug addiction, homelessness, and my love for the darker, dirtier side of the street. It doesn’t make me special. It just made me tired. And very, very lonely.

There must be something there. I mean, you’re still listening. You’re still here. If I was as evil as you think, why would you be? I wouldn’t be.

In fact, I wouldn’t be talking to you now if I thought you were a bad person. You forget that I know you. When you spoke, I heard your heart. You’ve made the most of adversity with a smile on your face. You are loved by others because you love others so dearly. You have often gone out of your way to assist someone in need.

Oh, yes. I know you. Despite how I may have felt about the things you’ve said and done to me personally, who you are was never in question. You are just you.

It’s just… Well, I don’t hate you. I just don’t know you anymore. I see you around, but we really don’t talk. Just recently I saw something totally hilarious, and I thought of you immediately. I pushed the share button and was typing in your name before I realized I’d already removed it from my phone. That sucked, because you didn’t die. You’re just no longer here.

I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t lie to you. I consciously make decisions every single day to be truthful in all situations. It looks like that has backfired triumphantly, and I now see the error in that thinking. No. I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

Yes, I can be moody. Yes, I’m a total smart-ass. Yes, I sometimes make the wrong decisions. I fucked up, did drugs, and wasted away nine years of my life. So, you better believe it… I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS.

As crazy as I can sometimes be… As brutally honest and rude as I can sometimes get… As sullen and introverted as I may sometimes appear… I love just that passionately. I’ve always cared about people. I delight in experiencing past lives through some one else’s unique memories. I try to understand the conflict that inspires their strongest beliefs. 

And, when I find a kindred heart, someone who loves life as intensely as I do, I become overwhelmed. I envision a trusting friendship built on honesty and integrity and loyalty. A meaningful relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Then, the dust settles. My fear sets in. Rather than accept you, minor flaws and all, I turn the blame on myself and walk away. I rush to judgement, siting past experiences as indesputable evidence of future destruction, and I just throw it all away.

I was taught that you “charge it to the game.” Well, I’ve never played the game. Mainly, because nobody ever explained the rules to me. I was wrong for thinking that you made the game. I was wrong for judging you, just because you knew all the rules and played so very well. I’m not good at games. I would prefer a pasttime where everyone wins.

You don’t have to believe me. Why start now. Right? But what could it hurt? Take a moment for yourself. Don’t think about me. I’m not thinking about you. 

It’s 2017. This is the year that I don’t listen to the negative things that people say. This is the year that I stop defending myself. This is the year that I stop making excuses for other people’s behavior. This is MY year.

Hey. It’s a choice. You just have to make it. Don’t check in on me tomorrow. I’m not talking about you, so don’t read it. If you can’t read it and feel how I feel, see through my eyes, you probably shouldn’t be here at all. My words just don’t speak to you.

Stop glaring at the screen. Hey, you. It’s a brand new year. Amazing things are going to happen. This is going to be the best year of my life. IT’S A NEW YEAR! Tell ya what…

I’ll share it with you.


6 Replies to “What year is it???”

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